Rantings of a Middle-Aged College Student

Murder Most Foul

2012-02-06T09:56:00.000-06:00

My days are filled with murder. Murder for money, murder for love, and murder for, well, family issues.

I've read two books for class so far this semester, the first one titled Never Seen the Moon,The Trials of Edith Maxwell. Edith was a schoolteacher in western Virginia in 1935, when a late night altercation with her father landed her in the local jail, charged with murder. Edith's story is told by journalist Sharon Hatfield. Her book is a non-academic, but very professional, non-lurid true crime story that focuses on Edith's ordeal in relation to women's rights and the impact of yellow journalism. I enjoyed reading this book.

The second book is Murder on Rouse Hill by Alan Terry Wright, in which we learn the true story of how Jasper Francis was murdered by Charlie Blackburn over $1200 worth of cattle and his substantial bank account in the small town of Stoutland, Missouri in 1915. This book is written in creative nonfiction style, which quite frankly, is not my cup of tea. I skipped over many of the "creative" parts of the book, such as the scene where the horse, Sam Hill, is dreaming. Seriously? Despite my reservations about the books style, it is nonetheless an interesting and readable account of murder in the Ozarks.

In addition to these books I've managed to read one account of my murder, the Graham-Lee-Molloy case. George Graham had three women in his life (oops), two of which were his wives (double oops), and therefore one of them had to go. The account I read was produced in 1886 and reprinted by the local archives, where I just happen to volunteer. I also have a stack of about three hundred documents that I copied from the archives collection but have not yet had a change to read. In addition to these primary sources, I have numerous local history books that I want to read to get a feel for the Ozarks of 1885. Maybe if I wear period clothes, turn out the lights and lay on the bed, I will be transported back in time just like Christoper Reeve in Somewhere In Time. A girl can dream, right?

Looking Forward

2012-01-16T15:27:00.001-06:00

Before we look forward let's take a quick look back at last semester (since I've been so negligent in posting, sorry). The semester was long and tedious and I finished it with two A's, an A-, and a B. Fortunately, I've learned that a B is acceptable so I am a happy camper.

Looking forward, after a five week break from school my last semester begins tomorrow. I have one last class to take before I graduate on May 18. The subject of the class is Murder and Memory in the Ozarks. Each class member will write a research paper about, you guessed it...a murder that took place in the Ozarks. Much of the information for this paper will come from the county archives, where I just happen to be a volunteer.

I do have a few plans that will hopefully come to fruition sometime prior to my last day of school. I'm going to begin two new blogs at Wordpress...that is, if I can figure out how to use Wordpress. This blog will end by May 18 and I would like to have my new ones already up and running. One will be a family history blog and the other will be about the Ozarks and Ozarks history. My plan is to incorporate this semesters research paper into my Ozarks history blog.

Hopefully at least one of these new blog subjects will be of interest to someone besides myself though, quite frankly, I'm still a little amazed that I have followers on this school blog. I've been both surprised and pleased to have enjoyed an audience of friends and fellow non-traditional students like myself, who have been willing to listen to my rants about my school experiences and to have had the privilege of following them on their journey as well. These blogging friends have been a tremendous support group during my long journey through school. Though this oft-neglected blog is about to runs its course, I will still be following the blogs of those friends I've made here during the last few years. I appreciate each and every one of you.

I still can't comprehend that I'm finally almost finished; what will life be like without school; who will I be when I am no longer a student? I already feel lost and apprehensive and the end is still four months away.

Liebster Blog Award

2011-12-09T15:35:00.000-06:00

I am a little behind with this, but thank you so much Caz, for nominating me for the Liebster Blog Award! According the Caz, the Liebster Blog Award is given to blogs with fewer than 200 followers, containing good content and warranting more support. Well, we can certainly all use a little moral support, so right back at ya Caz.

The Liebster Award rules are as follows:

1. Acknowledge who gave you the Liebster Award by thanking them and linking back to them.

Thank you, Caz. You are always an encouragement and inspiration to me, as well as entertaining!

2. Reveal 5 of your top picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog. So here are 5, in no particular order:

1. My Life as a Mature Age Student - for the reasons stated above.

2. Studying Parent - for admiration at her determination to fulfill her educational dreams.

3. Diaries of a Neurotic Non-Trad - for helping me survive my first "B".

4. The Non-Traditional Student Blog - for always being an encouragement to us non-trads and for her wealth of information for students.

5. Old Girl at Uni - for providing an interesting glimpse into her world as a non-trad.

3. Rule #3: Post the award on your blog.

4. Enjoy the love and support of some wonderful people on the www!!! Keep posting, keep commenting and keep being positive.

There are many more blogs that deserve mention; check the blogroll for many more lovely blogs!

Senior-itis

2011-12-09T14:58:00.001-06:00

Please excuse me for not blogging lately, but I have been fed up with anything that resembles writing or reminds me of school. During what should have been my most focused and carefree semester (since I'm not working) has instead been quite difficult as I have come down with a bad case of senior-itis. This condition is characterized by an extreme lackadaisical attitude toward school, homework, and tests and almost a total lack of concern for grades. I couldn't understand the cause of my attitude until I heard other students complain of the same ailment. I was glad to discover that my experience is normal and that I haven't lost my mind, at least not anymore than the other students. All I can think about is that I want this to be over; I am ready to move on to the next thing, whatever it may be, and though my body continues to attend classes, my mind is done with it all.

So, yesterday I took my first final, in Literature of the Ozarks, and I think I did well enough to keep my "A". I know it may be difficult for anyone to believe that we have actual literature in the Ozarks, but, for better or worse, we have Harold Bell Wright, Donald Harington, and Daniel Woodrell. So there you are.

On Wednesday evening I was required to read my seventeen page senior seminar paper in front of the class. I'm not one for public speaking, but I survived well enough. My professor says I have a good paper and I had very little re-writing or correcting to do before I handed in the final draft. Based on my professors comments I am hoping for an "A" in this class also.

As for my Middle Eastern history class, my final is next Tuesday evening and I am hoping to scrape by with a "B", but will settle for a "C". I know, I know, there was a time when anything less than an "A" would have sent me straight to therapy; this just goes to show how extreme is my case of senior-itis.

On Monday morning I have a final in Fundamentals of Tourism and an "A" is possible, though not probable, in this class. I haven't particularly enjoyed this class but it is part of my Ozarks Studies minor and I had to take something, like it or not.

All things considered, I am so happy, happy, happy, that this semester is almost over. Next semester I will have only one class which is "Murder and Memory in the Ozarks", the final class I need for my minor. I'll be researching and writing about an historical murder in the Ozarks. Can't wait!

I'm also looking forward to being a volunteer and the County Archives. Historical documents everywhere and I can see them and touch them! I'm not sure yet how many hours I will work or how long I will be able to volunteer, but I feel as though I am finally doing something with my life that is relevant to me and I am looking forward to the future.

Well, that is what's been going on. Hopefully everyone hasn't forgotten me!

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T08:15:00.000-05:00

Here is a link to the American Historical Association with about the history of Halloween. Includes several interesting links with videos. Enjoy the history of the holiday along with all of the candy!

Arsenic and Mrs. Wilkinson

2011-10-14T14:18:00.000-05:00

In preparation for my seminar paper I'm spending the fall break weekend reading 1898 foreign relations documents and old newspapers. Unfortunately, I'm frequently distracted by tidbits more interesting than the Peace Commission for the Spanish-American War. Just felt like sharing this one from The New York Times:

ARSENIC SENT IN SUGAR: A Newark Woman Claims a Rejected Lover Attempted to Poison Her
Newark, N.J., Sept. 8, 1898

Mrs. Margaret Wilkinson who keeps a boarding house at 502 Warren Street, has reported to the police that an attempt was made to poison her, her three children, and her boarders two weeks ago last Saturday. On that day, she claims, a boy came to the house and left a package of granulated sugar,with which she noticed there was something the matter, and as she had had trouble with one of her boarders she took the sugar to the Board of Health, where it was examined, and enough arsenic was found in the two pounds of sugar to kill 500 persons.

The chemist of the board certifies that about 4 percent of the stuff sent to him for analysis was arsenic. Mrs. Wilkinson did not report the case to the police until she had received the report of the chemist. When seen to-day Mrs. Wilkinson said she suspected a former boarder of trying to kill her. This man, she said, wanted to marry her, but she had refused him. There-upon he became angry, she claimed, and said he would get even with her. The man mentioned by Mrs. Wilkinson denies her story. The police are investigating.

MidTerm

2011-10-11T09:44:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure where the time is going but it is already the eighth week of the semester and I'm am dreadfully behind in my studies. So much reading and writing to do this semester and the more I think about it the more I panic and run from it and hide in some other nonsensical activity, which leads to less time to do my work and more panic and more hiding and, well, you get the idea. Tomorrow I have to report to my seminar professor...too bad I have nothing to report except for the work I have completed for other classes in addition to all the time I have wasted with my head in the sand.

As for the seminar paper, I had to give up on Nellie Bly because I could not find enough primary sources, particularly the newspapers she worked for, on-line. I still believe she is a fascinating character and would like to return to her someday, but for now I have moved on the the Spanish-American War. I've found 500 pages of foreign relations documents on-line and have been slowly (too slowly, unfortunately) wading through them for a few weeks now. I desperately need to get started writing, which I hope to do later this week during fall break. I'm running out of time to hide from my panic.

The last few days have been spent studying for a mid-term in Middle Eastern history. I've been trying to cram 600 years of caliphs, Abbasids and Umayyads, Sunnis and Shiites into my tired brain. Tonight is the test, so we will see how successful I have been.

Back to School

2011-09-08T20:38:00.001-05:00

Seriously, I had almost forgotten that I have a blog. Summer whizzed by way to fast and before I knew it the time had come to ditch my job of twenty-two years and become a full-time student instead of perpetually being a full-time employee and part-time student. It felt like it meant that I wasn't serious about my education, which is far from accurate and unfair to mature students trying to juggle life and school. Anyway, I have officially moved on to a new life and I couldn't be happier with this decision, difficult as it was as well as a long time in coming.

I'm already almost three weeks into the fall semester and I'm sinking fast and questioning my sanity. I thought I would have lots of time for my classes since I am no longer employed, but I don't believe it's going to work out that way after all. For the first time, all of my current classes require a paper, plus book reviews, and so on. The scary part is my Senior Seminar class which requires the longest paper (only 4500-6000 words, but still) and requires a quick decision on my part as to my topic, question, and thesis. I'm not known for making quick decisions. If I do make a quick decision I will probably just change my mind anyway, so why bother? It's best when I can just take my time about these things, which is also why I am completing my education as an adult student.

Next Wednesday is the deadline for turning in my prospectus and bibliography for my seminar paper. I feel like my professor doesn't really like my chosen topic (Nellie Bly and the role of female reporters during the progressive movement, or something along those lines) and my initial excitement has given way to trepidation. Well, maybe not exactly trepidation, but more like panic. I'm waffling, as usual. He wants me to do something about Louis Post and the Red Scare or making peace with Spain, presumbly about the Spanish-American War, topics which I know absolutely nothing about. I am leaning toward letting go of Nellie Bly, but I have to decide yesterday and this is causing me a great deal of stress. Just decide already!

Moving on, my classes this semester are, in addition to Senior Seminar, Literature of the Ozarks, Fundamentals of Tourism, and History of the Middle East from 600-1914. I'm wondering why I chose to do all of these classes this semester and leave only one class for my last semester in the spring, but it must have seemed like a good idea at the time.

The best thing so far about this semester so far have been the trips with the seminar class to both the school and the county archives. It was fascinating to read arrest reports, almshouse ledgers, and old coroner reports. Apparently, back in the 1920's our county had quite a number so suicides by carbolic acid. All very intersting; I just wasn't sure how to make a paper out of any of it.

So here I am, trying to make a very important decision: Nellie Bly, the Red Scare, or the Spanish-American War. Suggestions anyone?

Good-bye Spring, Hello Train

2011-06-23T19:30:00.001-05:00

I still can't believe that I got to see Train! They were the closing act last Saturday night for our first ever Show Me Music Festival weekend concert series. I gave up an arm and a leg for a 3-day pass just so I could be there to see Train. I was a bit upset the next month when 1-day passes suddenly became available. Oh well, at least I was there and ever so close to the stage.

Unfortunately, I did not catch the hat when Pat Monahan threw it into the crowd, but I will nonetheless see that he is immortalized in his "cowboy" moment. Most of the concert was country music; Train was the major exception. In a nod to the country music majority he donned a cowboy hat and quickly sang a country-style song of which I didn't understand a word but thoroughly enjoyed anyway.

Then came the bad news...a storm was fast approaching and, with the Joplin destruction fresh in mind, Train was given time to sing only three more songs and then, for the safety of the concert goers and and performers, the concert would have to be cut short. I was crushed, to put it mildly! We barely had an hour with them and then they were gone. They sang "Drops of Jupiter" last, then quickly left the stage. As the crowd drifted away the lightning began to flash and the tornado sirens began to sing. Having seen a tornado up close a few years ago, I take the warnings very seriously. Still, if only Train had been able to finish the concert...

Springtime in the Ozarks

2011-06-07T20:24:00.000-05:00

On Memorial Day this year we took a road trip to Powersite Dam and saw many interesting things, though unfortunately I can't seem to get very many of the pictures to load on the blog, probably because of their size. So you'll just have to take my word for it...we saw lots of cool stuff. Above is a view of Lake Taneycomo, formed when a branch of the White River was dammed almost 100 years go. What you can't see, or hear, are the bazillions of 13-year cicadas that are absolutely everywhere and make a continuous prickly, humming sounds that is about a thousand times louder than a mosquito. They bust out of the ground every 13 years, do their thing, then disappear for another 13 years. They always make news because there are so many of them and they make so much noise.

{Sigh} I'm having a terrible time with these pictures. They won't go where I want them to go.

Anyway, the second picture is what's left of a STOP sign right below Powersite Dam. All of the lakes and rivers in the area are flooded and the dam gates have frequently been opened, leading to even more flooding. Powersite Dam was completed in 1913 and is the oldest dam in the Ozarks. I'm not sure of the typical lifespan of such a structure, but I can't help but think that 100 years is pretty darned old for a dam. What are the ramifications of a region containing a large population of aging dams?

Spring flowers are everywhere, quietly waving in the breeze. They seem so peaceful and dignified compared to the noise of the cicadas and the rush of the flood waters.

I'm having computer problems so right now I'm borrowing my husbands laptop. It may be few days before mine is ready from the repair shop. I've been having terrible internet withdrawals. Thank goodness for smart phones that allow Twitter and Facebook access!

Bore, Boring, Bored...

2011-05-24T19:54:00.000-05:00

In case it isn't obvious, I'm bored with his blog. I'm bored with the look and the feel of it and I'm bored with my own words. I'm just bored. It's time to shake things up, though I'm not sure how.

Or maybe I do know how. After twenty-two years at the same job, I finally gave notice last week. I know you can't hear my heart pounding with joy or see it thumping against my chest, but I assure you, it is. I wasn't sure if I would ever get to say the words "my last day will be...", but now they have been said and they cannot be taken back. I look forward to full-time school in the fall with no work encumbrance or accompanying stress. I look forward to having time to focus on my senior paper and to spending more time on campus acting like a real student. I also look forward to increased involvement in the PAT, the history honor society, of which I am now the treasurer. Nothing boring about that; it's almost as exciting as quiting my job!

For a recap of the Spring semester, I completed my three classes with two A's and a B. Yes, I received my first B and am still alive to tell about it. I almost don't mind the grade; to mind I would have to be less bored. I do mind a little, however. I strongly disliked the class, but I can't help but think that with a little more effort I could have received a better grade. Oh well, it's water under the bridge now. In the mean time, I've registered for my classes next fall: Senior Seminar, Literature of the Ozarks, Fundamentals of Tourism, and History of the Middle East from 600 AD (or ACE, or whatever is politically correct at the moment). I'm looking forward to everything except the Tourism class, but hopefully it will be interesting.

On a totally unrelated topic, please remember the people of Joplin, Missouri in your thoughts and prayers. A town of 50,000 about an hour away from my home, they were hit by an EF5 (which is as big as they come) tornado Sunday evening. Having seen a tornado out my back door in 2003, I know the fear they inspire and the devastation they cause. We were lucky; it skipped our house and the two next to us, but took out the rest of the road in our neighborhood. The tornado in Joplin didn't skip anything; it was just too big.

2011-04-22T13:31:00.000-05:00

Yep, it's been a while. I've been meeting myself coming and going and I don't feel like I'm getting anything accomplished. Last week was a test on Machiavelli; next week I have a paper due for which I have not written a single word and I am extremely stressed about it. I'm not doing as well this semester as I would like. I am also not as focused as I usually am. School always comes first with me and I have been unable to make that happen this time around. Babysitting duties and other peoples drama are increasingly interfering with school work and I'm realizing that I am not good at setting boundaries. On the other hand, should I always be placing school ahead of everything else?

Just three more week, two papers, and three tests and it will all be over until August. Not that I'm counting the days, or anything...

2011-03-03T18:30:00.003-06:00

How exciting to be nominated for the Stylish Blogger Award! Many thanks to my non-trad friends at Going the Distance, Academic Proofreeder, and My Life as a Mature Age Student for the nomination!

The rules are as follows: thank those who nominated you and link to their blog; copy and paste the award to your blog; list seven things about yourself; and list fifteen blogs that you regularly read. Here goes.....

7 Things

I skipped kindergarten and went straight to first grade. Not sure why.

I've watched Lord of the Rings about a million times and plan to watch it a million more.

I'm desperate to be a world traveler, but so far have only made it as far as Canada.

Chocolate is my favorite food group

I once ran 10 miles. Never want to do it again.

I love hiking almost as much as I love to read.

I want to go an a BIG adventure.

Phew, that was difficult! Now for the blog list...

Academic Proofreader

Going the Distance

My Life as a Mature Age Student

Diaries of a Neurotic Non-Trad

Old Girl at Uni

Student Mum

Joze Blog

Sweet Sue

Blossom's Blog

Well, so this is all I can come up with that I read on a regular basis. I would like to consistently read more blogs, but I have too much reading and writing to do for school to fit in any more blogs right now. Someday.

2011-02-24T20:51:00.004-06:00

Well, so the snow is finally gone and the crocus are blooming and next week is midterms. It's hard to believe that the semester is already almost half over. Life is going by way too fast. On the other had, it feels like I've been doing this school thing forever and when will it ever end?

Next week I have two tests on Tuesday so I need to keep my nose stuck in the books for the next few days. I guess I don't need to have a life right now, but I am finding that hard to accept. I've reached the point where I want my life back and it is hard for me to focus solely on school.

As for my Renaissance class, well, I'm not at all happy with it. I'm not alone in not understanding where the class is going, and just when I thought I might finally be getting a little insight but...well, our assignment was to read one of Petrarch's letters, which was about the inability of humankind to know everything there is to know (ignorance, to be precise), but apparently a couple of youngsters in class did not get point (even though it was in the title of the letter) and proceeded to make it a theological debate which no one understood except maybe themselves. Every time the professor tried (rather lamely, I might add) to steer them in the right direction they argued with him and asserted the correctness of their own positions.

Bottom line, I don't feel like I'm learning much in this class. Nothing was accomplished in our discussion of Petrarch because the entire class session was co-opted by two people who certain that the truth lies with them alone. I'm just grateful that our midterm has been postponed because of the snow days we had earlier in the month. I'm also grateful that he is not requiring us to write the paper that is usually necessary for this class. We all feel like we are in enough trouble come test time as it is.

Sorry for the rant. I was just extremely miffed after class today.

On a happier note, next weekend I'm off to big college town to do some research in the archives. A couple of professors at my university are involved in a project about how the French wine industry was saved by a Missouri man. There is going to be a big to do about it in April, so a few of us in PAT (Phi Alpha Theta, the history honor society) are being dispersed across the state to various archives to collect information. I'm so excited to have even a minuscule involvement in the project! More news when I get back from college town.

Snow Days

2011-02-08T18:35:00.002-06:00

Last week we had our first blizzard in almost 100 years which turned out to be worth a few snow days from school. Now, my university is notorious for never closing, regardless of how many inches of snow we receive. Therefore I was quite shocked when the school shut down for three days, thereby causing me to miss my Tuesday and Thursday classes. I also missed two days of work which made me feel quite giddy. It was a mini vacation that was more than welcome. Today it was back to school and so back to the world of hillbillies and the Renaissance.

I still don't know a thing about the Renaissance. It seems that no one in class knows what is going on (well, maybe the young Adonis who sits a few seats away from me may know, as he makes an intelligent comment occasionally) since we can't hear the teacher and we can't make heads or tails of the book we are currently assigned. Today's lecture was about Florence, Parlamento, the Albizzi family and the Medici's (finally, something I have actually heard of). Oh, and let's don't forget the Signoria council, which had almost unlimited power during their two month term; whose successor was determined my drawing a name from a bag; and whose winner could not possibly be fixed, except that they must have been or the same families, the Albizzi's and Medici's, could not have ruled for so many years. What all of this has to do with the Renaissance, I can't say. Possibly background information that will aid in our understanding of the Renaissance should we ever get around to discussing the actual topic of our class.

On a more whiny note, I've spent the last few weeks battling, and mostly losing, a war against allergies, colds, or whatever it is that has me in its grip. I've felt tired, apathetic, and unmotivated. I'm going to have to suck it up and get motivated because my first book review is due next week. Nothing like a book review to ruin a great story!

No room in the parking garage

2011-01-23T09:18:00.004-06:00

With the upper level closed to do snow and ice, this is how you find a place to park in the parking garage: troll the lot nearest to the stairwell, watch for an unsuspecting student to emerge from said stairwell, ~~stalk~~ follow the student until they reach their parking spot, hover until they have started their car and pulled away, then immediately whip your car into the vacant spot. If someone else tries to steal your student and take the spot you have so carefully cultivated, there is always TAWANDA.

Seriously, this is the only way to find a parking spot! Every time we get a little snow the upper level of the garage is closed. I'm not sure why the snow up there is considered more dangerous than the snow covering all of the outside parking lots, but there you have it. The upper lot has been closed during three of my four days of classes this semester and it was taking me almost half an hour to find a place to park before I figured out how to troll for a student. My work actually closed down on Thursday due to snow, but my school was one of only two in the area that chose to remain open. Students and professors alike were befuddled. I was just disappointed that my snow day was interrupted by school. The roads were not at all clear during the drive to campus, but were mostly just wet for my return home. We only received about three inches; it was the timing of the snow, during morning rush hour, that was the problem.

Here's hoping for a foot of snow and a snow day from work and school!

Renaissance: rebirth

2011-01-18T20:25:00.005-06:00

And so the second week of school has begun. I have two Ozarks studies classes and a history class about the Renaissance. Thus far, I have not figured out exactly when the Renaissance took place; is it part of the Middle Ages or the Dark Ages or the Medieval Times or all of the above? There has been a lot of talk about the bubonic plague and the Hundred Years' War and various French and English kings and their progeny, but not much about the Renaissance. That is, unless I have missed that part of the lectures, which is quite possible as this particular professor is aptly known for speaking softly and mumbling. Now, having been in numerous Spanish classes I have considerable experience surviving classes where I don't understand what is being said and don't know what is going on. Hopefully that experience will prove beneficial this semester.

It is a good idea to learn to survive in, and adapt to, many different types of situations. Changes we make in our lives may lead us into unknown territory. The more skills and experiences we have available to us, the better equipped we will be to succeed. On a cold Sunday afternoon a couple of weeks ago, I took a basic survival class. We learned to start a fire, filter water, and to build a shelter. We were quite proud of our little shelter and are looking forward to next month's intermediate survival training. Who knows when my survival could depend on my ability to start a fire or construct adequate shelter against the elements? I just know that I enjoy the adventure and novelty of learning new skills; whether or not I ever need them is beside the point. But just in case, I want to be ready!

Theme for 2011: Freedom

2011-01-03T09:15:00.004-06:00

Freedom from addictions:

Farmville - I have enjoyed playing the game and have made some new online friends, but it is time to give it up. It takes up far too much time that could be better spent in more fruitful endeavors. I shut it down yesterday and today I am feeling only slight FV withdrawals. So far it has not been as difficult to stop playing as I thought it would be.

Overeating - I'm an emotional eater so I can always find an excuse to eat. I'm also taking medication that makes me want to eat constantly, so I have a double whammy here. I'd like to find a way to redirect the impulse to be eating continuously and to change the types of foods that I eat. I will have to find a way to prepare healthier recipes when I have very little time to cook.

Salt - I've been a saltaholic my entire life. My doctor warned me of the dangers of high blood pressure, to which I responded that my reading is always low and I have been over-using salt for years. He glibly responded that I would not be young forever. Right. So I'm going to attempt to be free of my need for everything to taste of salt. I wonder what food will taste like?

Freedom from negative thought patterns:

Negativity - This will be the most difficult. I feel that my workplace is somewhat toxic and most certainly dysfunctional. Negativity prevails on a daily basis. Some of the negativity is mine and I despair of changing anything, but I have to try.

Positive choices - This one ties in with the need to conquer negativity, only on a more personal level. I need to free myself to make choices that are in my best interest and try to leave the guilt behind. I seem to be a carrier of guilt and I'm not sure why. I want to believe in myself and my decisions even if no one else does.

Freedom from fear - Well, not really. Fear is not always a bad thing and I don't expect to ever be free of it. However, there comes a point when fear ceases to protect us and instead simply becomes paralyzing. Self-doubt frequently prevails. I don't want this to be the norm for my life.

I've realized that the only way to change my life is to change myself. Wish me luck!

Merry Christmas

2010-12-24T21:00:00.001-06:00

2010-12-21T21:47:00.008-06:00

This is the happy dance I've been doing since I found out I received an A- in Historiography. I wasn't surprised by the A's in kiddie lit or Ozarks history, but this one threw me for a loop. I was hoping for a B and when I saw the A- I just kept staring at it, wondering if I was seeing things. Though I have received a reprieve this semester, I probably should go ahead and get the book Nicki suggested, "Dare to Get a B". I figure it is bound to happen sometime so I might as well be prepared.

Overall, I am satisfied with the results of this semester. I found something worthwhile in all three classes, and though I'm still struggling with a new style of writing (new to me, anyway), I have hope that I can learn and improve my skills. My historiography professor said that failure is part of writing, and with each attempt we should try to "fail better" next time. His encouragement seems somewhat backwards, but it is helpful nonetheless. Learning something new can be difficult so I shouldn't expect to do it perfectly on my first try. Writing is hard work and involves a lot of editing and rewriting, even for professionals. I'm excited to keep learning more about the craft.

The most enjoyable aspect of the semester was the opportunity to take part in the meetings and activities of the PAT (Phi Alpha Theta, the history honor society). It was the first semester in which my schedule allowed me to attend the meetings and it was nice to finally meet some of the members and become better acquainted with those that I met at the Dead Day party last May. We had the opportunity to volunteer at a national park a couple of weeks ago and will hopefully be doing even more volunteer work next semester. Participating in this group has given me the feeling that I am at last part of college experience, something that has long eluded me.

It's hard to feel connected when my time at school is all about rushing from work to class, then back to work again. This semester I stopped going back to work after every class and thus my stress level has gone down and my overall disposition has improved. Next semester I will be working a few less hours which ultimately means I will be working myself out of a job since the time I am gone to school uses up my vacation time. Presumably, I will be booted out the door when I run out of vacation time. How I long for that day to arrive.

Knowable or Constructed

2010-12-05T21:05:00.003-06:00

I'm currently suffering miserably while attempting to write an analytical paper. I used to think I knew how to write; now I know better. I have recently discovered that I only know how to write narrative papers, not analytical papers. Actually, I had no idea there were different kinds of papers or writing, and I am now paying the price for this woeful ignorance. I received a 79 on my primary source paper, with an extra 5 points added to everyone's grade because the professor knows he is an evil grader. So I came out of that fiasco with an 84, which I guess I should be grateful for, but as I always get A's on my papers I'm not feeling terribly thankful about it at all. It took me a couple of days to suck it up and look at all the notes he had written on the paper. I could not dispute any of his comments, but is was quite difficult to look at. Since receiving this grade I have been terrified to begin the analytical paper that is due on Tuesday. I have no confidence that I know how to write this paper. I have to write as if I am testifying before a court about whether or not history is knowable or constructed. No citations, no quotes, and no outside research. Well. Just my own reasoning based on the material covered this semester. It has to be done so I will do it, but I'm sure not looking forward to my grade in this class.

So, with two more weeks of school I have two papers to write and three tests to take, then I am home free! Looking forward to relaxing and enjoying Christmas.

Marx and Parks

2010-11-10T14:51:00.003-06:00

Not so that you would notice, but all I do these days is write. I write about book censorship and I write book reviews (which I sincerely hate) and I write about Rosa Parks and the bus boycott. I shouldn't complain; at least I understand these topics. My next writing project doesn't even have a topic, we are allowed no direct quotes in our paper and we can use no research from other sources besides our existing historiography book and boycott source documents. We are to write a 7-8 page paper about whether or not history is "knowable". I can answer that with a big fat "NO", but somehow I'm stretch it out a little longer. it could be worse; the paper was originally supposed to be 12 pages, but he has apparently tired of our whining about the length so he kindly shortened the assignment. Thank you, professor!

Also, after exploding our brains with postmodernism and deconstructionism, we have not moved on to Marxism. He assured us that we could not possibly understand current historical writing without an understanding of Marxist theory. He is also never happier than when he has completely fried our brains; he says that's when he knows he has done his job. Actually, I thought Marxist theory was quite interesting, and if I ever have a chance to read something instead of writing, I would like to investigate his theories a little further.

We have spent the last three weeks doing what he calls "writer's workshop". We had to submit an outline for our Parks paper, as well as one paragraph, to peers for critique. The next step was to submit a rough draft (which, of course, is not rough at all but completely polished and ready for review, as real historians never submit anything less than their best for peer review) for our peers to review. I didn't enjoy this process as I don't feel qualified to judge someone elses paper, but I have new sympathy for the professors who have to read our papers and who hopefully restrain themselves from telling us how horribly we write.

Meanwhile, as I'm writing a history paper with no real topic, I will be writing an analytical paper for kiddie lit about, well, I don't know what about. I should be thinking about that, but I really can't because I have several pages of the Ozarks journal to write, plus tweak the Parks paper before I submit it for grading, etc....

Only five more weeks.

Postmodernism and Desconstruction

2010-10-18T12:22:00.002-05:00

These are two words that I don't ever want to hear again. I plan to forget I ever heard them at all. Even my professor said he tried to study these concepts but eventually gave up because his mental health insurance wasn't that great. Also, my infatuation with historiography is over. This is unfortunate because I have finally learned to spell it.

Tonight the professor told us that writing is about failing. I was glad to hear this because I am no longer able to write; my brain has become useless for the purpose of writing about history. I think part of my problem is that I am used to writing narrative and now I have to write analysis. I'm having trouble with this concept and I think it is mostly because I'm scared silly. Ever since we discussed these bizarre ideas (to me, anyway) in the title, I have been absolutely out of my mind. I can't think straight at all anymore when it comes to writing the primary source paper that is due very soon. I'm afraid to write a single word because I'm sure I will be doing it all wrong.

On a more positive note, I made A's on my historiography test and my book review, as well as on my kiddie lit mid-term and my Ozarks history mid-term. So, all is not lost. At least not yet.

Primary Sources

2010-10-03T21:17:00.002-05:00

Last week I had my first test in historiography and my first book review was due. Thank heavens the history test was not essay, but objective only. History students hardly ever get that kind of break. Anyway, I think it did well; at least, I know I aced the extra credit section. I'm not sure about the book review.

In historiography (I have finally learned to spell it!) we are deep in the study of primary sources. According to the website Historical Thinking Matters, the methodology for studying historical documents is as follows:
1. Sourcing - Consider the documents author and its creation. To me this means who, what, when, where, why, and how.
2. Contextualizing - Situate the document in the appropriate time and place. What is going on here?
3. Close reading - Read carefully and consider what the document is saying and what it is trying to say. What does the source say and what language is used to say it?
Corroborating - Compare and contrast the document with other primary sources. Check important dates and details to determine the reliability of the document.

I am enjoying this immensely. I feel like a detective searching for clues and I love it. I only wish I were looking for clues about Latin American history, which is my true love.

In Children's Literature last week we read Skellig by David Almond. Loved this book! Part fantasy, part reality, we discussed how authors help the reader suspend disbelief and believe in the fantastical. I believed everything!

In regards to my previous post, I added a link to the author's website, which includes information about the controversy over her book, as well as information about banned book week (which was actually last week).

This is the first semester I have had time to attend the meetings of the history honor society and it has been a nice addition to the overall school experience. Most of the time I don't feel like a real student because I'm always rushing back and forth to or from work, so it is good to have the chance to meet with other history majors and get to know knew people. I'm really excited about some of the upcoming activities with the group, which includes possible work days at a couple of national parks in the area. Finally, I feel like I am getting to the meat of my degree and I have hope for some future possibilities that involve history in some way. It has been a long time coming. I hope change is in the air.

Speak Up

2010-09-20T17:35:00.004-05:00

In my Children's Literature class (I fondly call it "kiddie lit") this week we are reading Speak, a young adult novel by Laurie Halse Anderson. This is a dark story of the rape of a young high school girl and her emotional response to the horrifying event. The book is the child of the New Realism movement in children's literature.

Emotionally, the book is at times difficult to read, but it is well worth reading regardless of your age. In addition to the topic of rape, it covers such issues as depression, underage drinking, bullying, and parental alienation. Not once while reading Speak did it occur to me that the book might be pornographic or inappropriate for young readers.

I bring this up because a local professor wrote a letter to our newspaper decrying the use of the book in high school English classes because it is pornographic. The school district in question has recently banned another children's book, The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian, a book which I have not read.

While I respect a parents right to monitor their children's reading material, I don't believe that right should extend to other peoples children or to an entire school district. It is my hope that people will read the book and decide its value for themselves rather than take someone elses opinion as gospel. Censorship should not be an option.

2010-09-09T21:15:00.002-05:00

On rainy days like today the campus is a sea of umbrellas and colorful rubber rainboots. The girls wear them with jeans, sweats, skirts, and shorts. Nothing is off limits with a pair of rain boots. What I want to know is, am I too old for these?

What is Historiography

2010-09-06T10:16:00.005-05:00

A few semesters ago I took a world history class at the community college. Our first assignment was to write a historiographical paper about an event in history and how it relates to something in our life. Unfortunately, I didn't know what historiography meant and had no idea how to apply it to my own life. I got a big fat "C" on the paper, even after a re-write that didn't impress her at all.

A couple of years down the road now and I am taking Intro to Historiography at what Caz and Student Mum call "Uni". I'm learning terms like historicism, historical awareness, periodization, antiquarian, and social memory. The list goes on. This week we are reading about the different subjects historians study, such as political history and economic history. And, finally, historiography. Simply put, it is the study of how history is written. It is how historians do their work. So now I know what it means, but I can still barely spell it. Hopefully this deficit will not hold me back.

One thing I appreciate about the History department is the varied age group of the students. I was the only non-trad in the Spanish department, but I can always count on a few people who are my age or older being in my history classes. It's a nice break from being the oddball in class.

I'm not very hopeful about the Ecuador trip. My husband doesn't think he can do without me for four weeks. I guess I should be happy about that, right?

2010-08-30T21:21:00.002-05:00

Well, I don't know what happened to summer but it is gone, gone, gone. I'm afraid to look at my summer to-do list for fear that I will be disappointed in myself. Maybe later.

As for school, my impressions so far are that I will not care for the Children's Literature class; my Ozarks history class is going to be a lot of fun; and my historiography class is going to be my most difficult undertaking to date.

Quite frankly, I have a hard time even spelling the word "historiography" and I'm still not sure what it means. I was hoping the professor would tell us what it means, but after one evening, I have decided he is not going to tell us much of anything. We are going to tell HIM. Turns out we have to speak in this class or we fail 20% of our grade. Yikes. I usually sit on the back row and don't speak unless spoken to. Now I'm going to have to find my voice. Finally.

For Ozarks history, in addition to two book reviews that I could live quite well without, we will be keeping a journal about how the people of the Ozarks are represented in film, print, and in the media. Also, we have to take a road trip through several sub-regions of the Ozarks and record our impressions of the land, people, cities and towns, etc. I'm very excited about this project.

The Children's Lit. class has as interesting book list and I enjoy reading children's books, but I'm just not a literature person. Right now we are looking at how to determine who is the "implied reader" for children's books. Not my cup of tea, but no doubt I can learn a few things from this class nonetheless.

All things considered, I expect this to be my most interesting and intense semester so far!

2010-07-16T13:46:00.002-05:00

I have no idea where my school journey is going to take me. I started school to get an education, not to learn a trade. This leaves me in a bit of a quandary when people ask what I plan to do when I graduate, because I don't have an answer. At least, not an answer that most people would find satisfactory. I could go to grad school, but that still leaves the question open as to what my intentions are after yet another graduation. Why doesn't anyone seem to understand the value of an education unless it is immediately going to produce a lucrative career upon completion? The education itself is the goal, the end result, the reason I go to school. I don't have to know where it will ultimately take me.

Right now I am hoping it will take me to Ecuador next year. The Spanish department takes a group of students on a four-week trip each spring. This year they went to Spain, next year is Ecuador. Students stay with a host family and go to school each day, with three weekend outings planned. I'm dreaming of ruins and food and foreign adventures! I'm constantly thinking about how I can make this happen. It means my husband will be on his own for four weeks, which will not make him happy. It means I will be unemployed for a month and probably in search of a new job when I return. It means I need to save now for the expenses of the trip and I will need to have at least a month, or more, of expense money saved to cover my period of unemployment. Oh, and I also have to be accepted into the program. That part is actually the least of my worries. I have the prerequisites as far as the grades and the classes, I just need to apply before the group is filled. In fact, I think I'm going to need to apply as soon as the fall semester begins, even though the trip isn't until next May. I'm trying not to get too excited, just in case I don't get to go. But if you really want something, why not do try to imagine all possibilities that could make it happen? Just like going back to school as a non-trad. Make it happen.

2010-06-21T18:38:00.002-05:00

It is way too hot to go outside these days. "Lost" is over and "House" is repeats, so here I sit with no motivation to do anything except be lazy and indecisive and eat chocolate ice cream. I registered for the fall semester over two months ago, but part of it was tentative. The two certainties are Intro to Historiography and The Ozarks in American History. I also signed up for Hispanic Cinema, not because I wanted to but because I thought it would not be in my best interest to have a semester with no Spanish. I was hoping I could muster some interest in this class, but so far I have been unsuccessful. So, today I registered at the community college (from which I graduated last year) for an English class on Children's Literature. Now, I'm not all that interested in this subject either, but I have to take something. If I'm going to graduate next year I have to take at least three classes each semester and my choices are limited. All the classes I take from now on need to be upper level classes. Also, I need one more class to complete my fine arts requirement and the literature class will take care of that, but the cinema class will not. I do enjoy children's books and I look forward to once again experiencing the convenience of an online class. Although this is not my top choice for study, I feel confident that it will nonetheless be a worthwhile learning endeavor. At least, that's what I am telling myself.

As for my summer to-do list, I don't think I've made much progress. I have watched a few movies and read a couple of books. I've done some work in the yard and cleaned house. I haven't disciplined myself enough to keep up with Spanish like I should. But I have done a few fun things, just because I could. I'm enjoying my time off this summer, but I'm also looking forward to the beginning of a new semester this fall and all the new adventures it will bring. Someone please remind me of this when I start complaining about school this fall.

2010-06-06T20:23:00.002-05:00

I just finished reading For All the Tea in China, How England Stole the World's Favorite Drink and Changed History. Good book, both entertaining and educational.

2010-06-01T21:53:00.003-05:00

Just a few things I've noticed since school let out for the summer:

blue skies
clouds
wind
trees-green trees, pink trees, white trees, just so many trees everywhere
the sound of the wind in the trees
gray hairs
my husband
books
my weight - uh oh
my house - yikes, what a mess!

I can't describe the astonishment and joy I feel while noticing the world around me. Have the skies always been so blue and the trees so green? I don't remember. School has been my world and everything else has been crowded out. It is such a luxury to actually see things. I want to soak in every minute I can and enjoy every experience I can before school starts in the fall. And once I'm back in the daily grind of homework and papers and tests, I want to remember how to see, even when I don't have much time to look.

Summer Bucket List

2010-05-19T20:40:00.003-05:00

As the spring semester slowly came to an end, I made a list of things I would like to do during the summer. Free of school obligations for a whole three months (and suddenly it feels like a very long time to be out of school), I realized that I would have a lot of time on my hands and I wanted to make the most of it. Here is what I have so far:

1. Read as many books as I possibly can for both entertainment and enlightenment.

2. Work in the garden. My tomatoes usually do not get the attention they deserve. This year I will have no excuse for not having a bumper crop. B. S. (Before School) I made colorful garden charts and elaborate plans about what I wanted to plant and where, complete with seed starting charts and planting dates and companion planting guides. Nowadays, I start the seeds in March and if they survive until May, we will have fresh vegetables. If not, there is always next year.

3. Cook healthy recipes. When school rolls around, I just throw things together and call it a meal (or my husband cooks). I have a subscription to Cooking Light Magazine and this summer will be a good time to eat healthy and try new recipes.

4. Watch movies. I will watch The Lord of the Rings as many times as I want to and not worry that there is something else I should be doing.

5. Spring hiking trip. Well, it is probably too late for this to happen. March through May are the optimal months for hiking in these parts. By June, it is too hot, humid, and insect-ridden to be worth the trouble.

6. Clean house. The down-side to no summer school is that I will no longer have an excuse for not cleaning house regularly. I wonder if it is too late to sign up for a summer class?

7. Organize files, paperwork, school stuff, etc. Again, is it too late to sign up for summer school?

8. Read through the two foot stack of magazines that have been accumulating for the last two semesters. So what if it is all old news by now.

9. Write resume. No comment on this subject just yet.

10. Go to the park. We have a park with a small lake and numerous gardens. A botanical center is currently under construction. The entire park is staffed by volunteers only, and if I ever have time I would like to join the effort.

11. Have a tapas party. I have wanted to do this for a long time and if it doesn't happen this summer, it probably won't happen at all until I after I graduate.

12. Learn to speak Spanish. I know, this is a big one. I don't mean that I will be able to speak all that well by summers end, but I have to get over the fear of opening my mouth and allowing Spanish words to come forth. I just spent sixteen weeks writing in Spanish constantly. There is no reason why I shouldn't be able to speak a little, as well. I just need to get over my inhibitions, make the effort, and let it happen.

So, where should I begin? I have so much time on my hands that I don't know what to do first! I was so relieved when school ended last week, but now I'm a little overwhelmed by my freedom.

Grades were posted yesterday, and I made A's in both classes. I was so excited! Even though I only had two classes this semester, both were extremely time consuming and challenging. I learned how to write in Spanish and how to write book reviews for history, both important skills for the remainder of my classes. I've been feeling quite burnt-out for a while now, but I believe the success's of this semester have helped in keeping me motivated to continue the journey. I'm already looking forward to what the fall semester will hold, and hopefully my summer break will leave me rejuvenated and ready to jump back in and finish the race.

Dead Day Party & Initiation

2010-05-11T21:10:00.005-05:00

This is my version of Aimee Semple McPherson at the Dead Day Party last Friday for Phi Alpha Theta. It was the Friday before the party when I found out it was a costume party, so on Saturday I rushed around to costume shops only to find they were closed. Luckily, I found an old clothing store downtown that had a preacher's robe, so come Friday afternoon a asked a co-worker to put my hair up in a bun and I was all set to go.

This was the first activity of the history honor society that I had been able to attend and I was quite nervous because I knew it was likely that they would all be strangers to me. And they were. I met Amelia Earhart, Lizzie Borden, Al Capone, Annie Oakley, Amelia Bloomer, and Audrey Hepburn, to name a few. I'm not sure of most of the real names of the attendees. The party was hosted by a history professor who is also a sponsor of the club. I was a little disappointed that none of the professors that I have taken were at the party, since it would have been nice to have a few familiar faces at the party. It was not to be, but nonetheless I'm glad I finally had the time to go to an activity. I met a lot of interesting people and hopefully I will have opportunity to get to know them better. The most exciting thing for me (besides being initiated into the honor society) was meeting students older than I am!

Today I took my last final. It has been a hectic few weeks and I haven't had time to do much of anything except study. So now the verb test is over (50% improvement over the first one), all the papers and book reviews are written, and finals are over. It is such a relief, and I'm so excited to be free for the summer that I feel like doing a happy dance. And yet, somehow I feel a little down. I'll miss my Spanish professor, who has been nothing but encouraging to me all semester. I'll miss the young girl who I have now had two Spanish classes with and will probably never see again as she is off to another city to go to school in preparation for medical school. So many people pass through our lives never to be seen again.

This was meant to be a happy post about going to a party and meeting new people and successfully completing another semester, but instead it has turned a little maudlin. I will return when I recover from the post-final crash.

2010-04-18T20:45:00.002-05:00

Weekends never turn out according to plan. We took care of all the errands Saturday morning so I could have the entire afternoon to study. Instead, we spent the afternoon taking care of the baby. I'm not complaining, mind you, it's just that every time I think I have things under control, it turns out that I don't.

I spent today reading the last few chapters of our history text book, then began reading the book for my next book review. Somewhere between rounds of Spanish homework, I have to get this assignment finished, preferably by Saturday so I can move on to worrying about the verb test that I have to take shortly after the book review is due.

I feel like I'm babbling. I guess that's just how I feel with only three and a half weeks remaining in the semester and so much to do. I'm counting the days till summer break!

2010-04-08T19:23:00.002-05:00

Well, I can finally come up for air. The essay, the article synopsis, and the final Spanish composition are all complete. Now I can breathe. Not that the game is over; I have five more weeks to go, and there is still Spanish homework a-plenty, four more tests, and another book review to complete. But summer break is in sight and I am thinking about taking absolutely NO classes. My last break was summer 2008 and I think I am due for a rest so that I can have the stamina to continue for another year and a half. I can't stop thinking about all the things I can do during the summer!

Things I Did During Spring Break

2010-03-11T21:54:00.007-06:00

Thursday - Last day of school before spring break. Made it through classes despite loss of sleep due to baby arriving at 3:44 am. Turned in Spanish composition and took history mid-term, which was blue book. Note to professor: 40-something hands don't like to write for 1 and 1/4 hours. It hurts.

Free to spend time at hospital staring at baby, no homework worries, total freedom (almost, because Spanish homework has to be done sometime before the end of spring break. But not now.)

Friday - Visit baby. Don't think about school. Eat. Play on facebook. Begin Happy Aquarium competition with my stepson, who has his computer at the hospital so he can post baby pictures and feed his fish.

Saturday - Beautiful spring day. Still not thinking about school. Can't remember any Spanish words. Went to the little boys gymnastics, went shopping, went to see the Corpse flower, ate, shopped some more, ate some more, went to see the baby, all without once saying to my husband "I can't, I have to go home and study". Sigh. It felt absolutely wonderful.

Sunday - Another beautiful day. Tried to read a book just for fun. Couldn't concentrate. Beginning to think about history paper. Ate. Played on facebook. Completed mastery of peppers. Fed the fish. Worked in the yard for the first time this year. Took the shears and trimmed the lilyturf plants so that the crocus's would be visible. Weeded the garlic. Husband found flower bulbs in the garage (didn't have time to plants them last fall) which were sprouting in the package, so planted 70 bulbs. Don't know how if they will bloom, but at least they are in the ground now. Worked up an appetite so I ate some more. Could no longer stand not doing homework so I read the next chapter of my history textbook and took notes in preparation for the final exam in May.

Monday - Unable to lift coffee cup to my mouth due to gardening adventure on Sunday. Still able to use mouse, so fed the fish and harvested the crops. Still could not stand not thinking about school, so I began reading the autobiography of Aimee Semple MacPherson, my character study for history class. And make no mistake, she was a character.

Tuesday - Still so sore I can barely walk. Still thinking about homework, so continue reading autobiography. Came home from work and found a huge box of popcorn on the porch. Ate a bowlful, complained to husband that we need to get it out of the house before we both gain 10 pounds. He said that popcorn is mainly fiber so we will probably lose wait from eating it. Find fault with his reasoning but continue to eat popcorn just in case he is right. Getting really sick of feeding the fish, and besides, I am now a level ahead of my stepson and have begun to lose interest in the game. Not that I am competitive, or anything.

Wednesday - Still too sore to move. Refuse to think about Spanish. Begin reading a gardening diary by John Evelyn, edited by "garden and plant historian" Maggie Campbell-Culver. Decide I want to be a garden and plant historian when I grow up. Played on evil facebook. Utterly sick of the fish.

Thursday - Sold most of the fish in the afternoon. I needed the coins anyway so the little boy can buy whatever he wants for the fish tank (not real money, the line has to be drawn somewhere). Beginning to dread my Spanish homework. Worrying about my minor and my fall schedule. Bought a bunch of fish in the evening( I was so close to the next level!). Quickly regretted it. My stepson and I continually tell each other that we only keep the stupid aquariums for the little boy. Right. Ate some more popcorn. Have not yet lost weight due to popcorn consumption. Husband promises to take the rest of the box to work so as to get it safely out of the house. Remembered I have a blog.

Friday - Took the afternoon off from work and decided not to feel guilty about it. Started my tomatoes and peppers in peat pellets. Pulled two old Time magazines from my TBR pile. Old news by now, but as I am a history major I don't mind reading old news. Picked up the boy for a sleepover. Still not losing weight from eating popcorn, so I moved on to chocolate. Winter has returned, snow flurries.

Saturday - Took the boy to gymnastics, then to a birthday party for twin girls from his preschool (where he proceeded to ask their mother for her phone number so a sleepover could be arranged for him and the little girls), then quickly moved on to Penney's to get his five-year picture taken. Took him back to his father, who had the nerve to ask if he needed a nap. I needed a nap, but no one asked me.

Watched the latest Star Trek movie. Didn't quite make sense to me but I enjoyed it anyway.

Sunday - Worked hard all day avoiding Spanish homework. Finally gave up and spent 2 hours getting it done. Have to admit that party is over, and so is spring break.

2010-02-28T20:36:00.002-06:00

I'm in a big rush now to finish my Spanish homework, write another composition in Spanish, and prepare for a history test, all due on Thursday. The rush is that any day now (or any hour, or minute, whatever), my stepsons wife will be having a baby. At which point I will not be able to concentrate on another language or on another century. I have requested that she hold off on the delivery until Thursday afternoon, as by then the composition will be complete (at least, until the re-write) and my test will be over and I will only have to worry about the next round of Spanish homework and the history paper I need to start work on, and etc., but she just laughed at me so I don't hold out much hope for any consideration in this matter.

This time around, the composition has to be about something that has caused controversy in my city, state, or nation. Nothing large scale, such as abortion or the death penalty, but "puede ser un tema muy sencillo", i.e., a simple theme, preferably something local. This being the case, I've decided to write about second-had smoke. First, this is a subject frequently being debated around town, and second, I learned many of the smoking related words in my Spanish class last semester. Therefore, I will not be starting from scratch vocabulary-wise.

Now, if I can just get it all finished before the baby comes.

2010-02-22T12:44:00.002-06:00

Is guilt an inevitable by-product of the non-trad experience? I feel guilty about leaving work to go to class, guilty for not having time to spend with my husband, guilty for the money I'm spending on school that could be going toward our retirement. Endless guilt.

In reality, my being gone from work a few hours each week has had little impact on anyone (and besides, I have spent many years covering for people who had sick parents, sick kids, and even sick dogs) and my husband doesn't do anything but sleep on the recliner every evening anyway. As for the retirement accounts, well, I'm younger than my husband so I still have many more years to work and save for retirement.

Still, there is guilt. I feel like I'm constantly saying I can't do something or don't have the time because I have homework or a paper to write. Always in a hurry. Which is partly why I've been killing myself to take more classes each semester. If I can hurry and finish school I can stop inconveniencing everyone. People are constantly asking me when I will be finished with school. I am still working full-time, people! This means that my education will take longer to complete than it would if I were a typical college student able to focus primarily on school.

What I need, and am haltingly searching for, is a part-time job. Of course, I realize this will be an additional inconvenience. Tough.

I'm feeling a little cranky today.

Spanish is consuming my life right now. I thought I could write in Spanish fairly well, but my professor believes otherwise since he gave me a "C" on my composition. I'm meeting him tomorrow morning to discuss the re-write. I love my Spanish teacher this semester. He has been very generous in allowing me to meet him on my schedule instead of during his regular office hours (which are not compatible with my work schedule). He also doesn't seem the least bit concerned that he has a middle-aged student in his class, which is an incredible relief after my experience last semester.

History is going well. I received an "A" on the book review that I was so worried about. Go figure. Now I'm actually looking forward to writing the next one. Spring break is in two weeks, and it will be spent working on my history paper about Aimee Semple McPherson. I only have to write five or six pages so I'm not too stressed about it.

I can't believe the semester is almost half over and the fall schedule has already been posted. I'm not sure if it is the final version, but it does give me some idea what to expect for the fall semester: Intro to Historiography and The Ozarks in American History. The choices for Spanish classes are not good, so I don't know what I'm going to do about that. Maybe more will be added by registration.

It would be nice if schools would shut down during the Olympics. I find it difficult to study and keep an eye on the games at the same time.

2010-02-07T20:28:00.003-06:00

After much wailing and gnashing of teeth, my first book review is completed, for better or worse. No I can move on to my Spanish composition. I think it will be a little more fun. It's like writing in secret code, something that I thought was pretty cool when I was a little girl.

The third class has been dropped. I knew it had to be when I spent all last weekend studying for a Spanish test and no time whatsoever studying for a map quiz in East Asian Civ. So, I dropped it. I feel saddened and relieved. Sad because I failed to listen to my instincts on the first day of class when I could already tell that I was going to be overwhelmed. Sad because that failure to listen to myself cost me half the money for the class, since four weeks into the semester I could only get a 50% refund. And sad because now I will probably not graduate in the spring of 2011 as planned.

Relieved because now I will hopefully have time to do well in the two remaining classes. Spanish is still consuming me and likely will continue to do so for the next 12 weeks.

I have to rethink my graduation plans and I'm trying to get used to the idea. After all, plans are made to be broken. If I can accept that I have to slow down, maybe I can enjoy the school experience more, learn more, and just maybe attend some school activities occassionally. I joined the history honor society and it would be nice to attend some meetings and begin to feel like I am a part of things at school instead of just a visitor.

With any luck I will have another snow day coming up. Extra time to study! We are expecting several inches tonight and tomorrow and we still have snow on the ground from the last one. Bring it on!

2010-01-29T20:13:00.002-06:00

I just love snow days. It's been snowing like crazy since about 6:30 this morning, so I got to spend the day at home, drinking coffee all morning and conjugating verbs all afternoon. Every Friday should be a snow day!

Spanish is taking over my life. This is a good thing. It should have been like this from the beginning, but prior to this semester Spanish was always an easy "A" and other classes that were more difficult took precedence. But, Spanish will have its day and that day is now. I met with my teacher yesterday morning in his office to go over a few things before the test next week. I'm not sure I have any better understanding of what to do with direct or indirect object pronouns, but I really appreciate the time he took to help me. And now I have learned why learning Spanish has of late felt much like learning Algebra: the same side of the brain that does math is the side that learns a new language. This explains my occasional difficulties with certain aspects of the language. Rules, rules, and more rules, and they all must be memorized. Just like algebra.

I survived my presentation in American Religious History last week, and the professor very generously gave me an "A" for my effort. For some reason, the question and answer part didn't bother me, but the actual presentation was terrifying. I really need to get over this phobia. Fortunately, he has decided that our class is too large to fit in the other presentation, so we only have to do a one page written synopsis of our other article with no public speaking involved.

Then there is the paper about William Penn and the two book reviews. I thought only grad students did book reviews, but apparently someone forgot to inform my professor about this, therefore I will very shortly be finding out how a book review is done.

East Asian Civ. is sometimes interesting, sometimes boring. I don't know where to begin in choosing my paper topic because Asian history is so massive (and so far we've only talked about China) and I don't have a clear picture of any of it just yet.

And as for the Spanish composition, escoja un incidente real que Usted recuerde vivamente. Well, what would be an incident in my past that I remember vividly that would be worth writing about - in Spanish? I guess I could write about my Spanish class last semester that made me so miserable that for a while I felt as if I never wanted to hear the language again.

No? Well, I don't know what to write about yet. But I do know that I have to give this class proper attention or I won't do well and I won't learn. No more easy "A". If I'm going to learn this language I'm going to have to spend time with it, get to know it, understand it, have a relationship with it, and so on.

Last semester I had four classes and worked thirty-six hours each week. I chased myself around in circles to get everything done, but I did it and got good grades. But did I learn as much as I should have? I don't think so, not even close. What might I have learned if I had had the time to focus on anything instead of racing through each assignment so I could get started on the next one?

I'm tired. I've forgotten why I wanted to get an education and I no longer enjoy learning. I've forgotten how to enjoy anything because I just don't have the time. Is this the normal college experience and I just need to learn to deal with it, or am I experience burn-out?

I've received some good comments and advice from other on-line nontrads that has been very helpful and thought provoking. Whatever my decision will ultimately be,it has to be made next week. I'm not always good with decisions. Which is why I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

From my textbook "Sources of Chinese Tradition" which is a compilation of primary sources, there is a section called the "Analects" written by Confucius or compiled by students who followed him. I found the following tidbit amusing.

17:25 "Women and servants are most difficult to nurture. If one is close to them, they lose their reserve, while if one is distant, they feel resentful."

Imagine that!

2010-01-16T18:30:00.002-06:00

My co-workers keep asking me if I enjoy suffering. I can only surmise that I do. The first day of class scared me half to death. My work load for three classes seems larger than last semesters four classes. Nothing is on-line this time; all the tests will be in class essay tests. I quickly discovered that there are several times that I will have multiple tests on the same day. Don't know how I'm going to manage that. By the end of the first day I was ready to drop a class, but so far I haven't been able to bring myself to do it.

I need to wear a shirt that says "I am not going to be a teacher." Maybe then people will stop asking, and maybe professors will stop saying "...now, if you are going into education...". I am not going into education, therefore I DO NOT NEED TO PRACTICE PUBLIC SPEAKING. OK?

Sorry, I just had to get that out of my system. Somehow my name landed first on the list in American Religious History to give a presentation about an article of my choice. I am trying to be calm. I really am. He says we just have to teach the class what we learn from our article. The problem with that is, among other things, is that whatever I may know now I no longer know when asked to perform in front of a crowd. It all just goes away and doesn't come back until I leave class. It's true. Just ask my Spanish teacher from last semester.

Speaking of Spanish (I have to speak of it, because I can't actually speak it), this semester I have two teachers that I can't understand very well. Of course, my Spanish teacher is one, although I understand him more often than not since he is American and does not have a Spanish accent. The other is my East Asian Civ. teacher. He is a visiting professor from China that I understand most of the time, but he frequently leaves me quite confused.

I really must enjoy suffering. Someone please remind me why I am doing this.

Ready or Not...

2010-01-06T19:40:00.003-06:00

My school books are bought and my pencils are sharpened (figuratively), but does that mean I am ready for school? Nope. I have my backpack at hand and a new little laptop for taking notes in class (hand-cramps were too much for me last semester), so by all appearances I should be ready. But I'm not.

My classes begin next Tuesday, but I still don't have my spring garden plans drawn up, the house isn't quite spotless, and I have only read one book since the end of the semester (granted the book was 800 pages long, and therefore should count as at least three books), so I don't feel the least bit ready for another round of classes just yet. Three weeks isn't quite long enough between semesters; four would be better.

Mostly I've been doing as little as possible. I've watched a couple of movies (Public Enemies, X-Men Origins, with Johnny Depp and Hugh Jackman, respectively :). Now I'm reading The Princes of Ireland and feeding my new addiction to Facebook. It's too cold to want to go anywhere so here I sit, alternately reading and playing Farmville.

School will start whether I am ready or not, so very soon I am going to have to rearrange my mindset to focus on work instead of play. Studying instead of virtual farming, writing instead of reading for fun . I think I'm going to need a long nap before next Tuesday.

2009-12-25T10:45:00.001-06:00

Merry Christmas to all...

2009-12-19T19:20:00.003-06:00

It. Is. Finished. The semester, anyway. It is such an incredible relief, I can't begin to tell you. I turned in my research paper Wednesday night (the one the prof. never bothered to get back with me about) and then I was free. I am absolutely beside myself.

Now, instead of being in a school-induced frenzy I am in a house-cleaning, getting-ready-for-Christmas frenzy. It feels good. Christmas is almost here, and even though I'm not ready, I still have time to enjoy the season for a little while.

Semester recap:

British Empire - Interesting class, but it is hard to sit still and stay focused for three hours on a Monday night. Nonetheless, I believe I now have a good overview of the British Empire (first and second) and though the professor was not an exciting speaker, he was interesting, consistent, and always provided feedback on essays. I would like to take him again if there is ever opportunity.

Latin American Civilization - My favorite class with the most interesting and enthusiastic professor. Unfortunately, we only covered two-thirds of the material on the syllabus because he was always gone. In addition, I am not happy that, though the syllabus required him to return our final research paper to us with suggestions for improvement, he never bothered to do so. Great teacher, interesting class, but gone too much and frequently too busy for his students. Unfortunate. I was hoping to take him for my senior seminar, but now I'm not so sure.

Spanish Proficiency Skills - Well, I'm not sure how proficient I am, but I survived the class. There was method to his madness and, aside from the first few weeks when I thought he was the devil incarnate, he turned out to be a decent young man who sincerely wanted his students to learn and was willing to go to great lengths to make it happen. Even though he knew of my aversion to public speaking, he still chose me as one of the students to give a short presentation, during the last class session before finals, over two Spanish videos that we had to watch outside of class. I wasn't sure why he picked me, but I managed to make my presentation, whereas several classmates failed to show up for class to give theirs and one young lady said she couldn't (and wouldn't) do the presentation. (I didn't know you could say such things to a teacher?!?). This assignment enabled me to make an "A" on the final. Enough said.

Introduction to Ethics - A philosophy class is a requirement for a BA and I took this class online at the community college. I knew what to expect from this teacher so there were no surprises. I learned a little about several philosophers, but what sticks in my mind the most is Jeremy Bentham, stuffed and on display in a box somewhere in England. You can't make this stuff up.

So that's it. Another semester conquered and another coming up. Many thanks to my on-line friends for their support. Now we can relax and enjoy the holidays!

Race to the Finish Line

2009-12-10T19:33:00.002-06:00

I'll do anything to avoid starting this paper. It only needs to be 3-5 pages long, and it is due tomorrow, but I would rather blog.
I have three finals to take Blackboard, which I am hoping to accomplish this weekend. Monday is my Spanish final, which doesn't bear thinking about. My terror will be limitless. Three tests, a paper, and an in person final. Then I will be finished.

Oh wait. I forgot about the research paper. I worked relentlessly over Thanksgiving holiday to complete the rough draft that, according to the syllabus, is a requirement. When I turned it in Monday, my professor was completely astonished. I reminded him that this was a requirement that, according to his syllabus, would be part of our final grade. He promised to look it over and get back with me about any needed improvements. Well. Hasn't happened yet. Yesterday was our last day of class, and once again he promised to e-mail me with links to some primary sources (to add a couple of citations), which he said was all I needed. He told me, "Basically, you are through". I was thrilled to hear that, because quite frankly, I will be surprised if I ever hear from him again.

Enough stalling. I had better get back to my paper about the consequences of Spanish conquest on indigenous cultures of Meso- and South America.

2009-11-28T20:55:00.002-06:00

Thanksgiving is over and for that I am thankful. It is so much work and stress for what ends up being a two hour period when we are all together and I just have to wonder, is it worth it? Not really, not when I have so much homework. It's hard to enjoy the holidays when there are so many other things hanging over my head. So here I am on a Saturday night, trying to finish my Columbian Exchange paper so I can turn in a rough draft on Monday. Really, I need to get a life. In slightly less than three weeks the semester will be over and I will stop complaining. Really.

End-of-Semester Blues

2009-11-22T20:25:00.002-06:00

I miss my friends. I used to have some. I used to have a life. I miss hanging out with the girls, watching chick flicks, laughing and acting silly. I can't remember the last time I had a chance to do something like that. It seems like all my friends have scattered, with busy lives, busy families. I'm certainly no exception. Will there be a life left for me when I finish school? I read a magazine article recently about how hard it is to make friends in your forties. Some were of the opinion that it isn't just a matter of being hard to make friends; others believe it is just harder to find other women with whom we have common ground. Both may be true, I'm not sure.

I've spent all weekend working on a paper for Latin American Civ. I'm nowhere near finished. I need to have about another ten pages in order to turn in a rough draft right after Thanksgiving. My Spanish teacher is prepping us for our final, which will be a two minute presentation to him in his office. We have to find two articles in Spanish, both with similar themes, and then tell him, in Spanish, a summary of both articles. Slightly scary, but at least it we don't have to do it in front of the class.

I'm really looking forward to the end of this semester. It has been a long, hard 16 weeks. I can't wait to have time to read for fun, to read as many blogs as I want to without feeling guilty, to watch a movie in English (or in Spanish, if it has Javier Bardem), or just lay on the floor and stare at the ceiling. It doesn't really matter. Just rest and no stress. It's good to have something to look forward to.

2009-11-14T18:19:00.002-06:00

My great-grandfather couldn't read or write. He worked hard all of his life, had a driver's license and drove a car, voted in each election, and traveled throughout the city and county, yet he couldn't read the street signs or sign his name. The most he could do with a pen was make a scraggly X on documents in place of his name.

I'm reminded of his illiteracy when I'm in Spanish class, and as usual I only half know what is going on. I don't understand everything I hear or see. This is actually a big improvement; at the beginning of the semester I never knew what was going on; now I understand at least half to three-quarters of what he says. I no longer cringe quite so badly when he calls on me to speak. I'm becoming a little more comfortable with trying to speak the language in front of people who are able to speak Spanish so much better than I can. In short, I'm learning and improving as time goes on.

My great-grandfather never improved, he never got any better; he spent his entire life unable to read anything. He never complained and he never seemed to feel the lack. He just carried on doing what he had to do and coped however he could. Like Grandpa, I have found ways of coping when I don't understand what I see and hear. I watch and listen intently to the teacher. I watch my classmates. I follow along as best I can and if I'm heading the wrong way, someone will tell me. Grandpa had his own ways of coping. When he went to vote someone would read the ballot to him. Medical and legal documents where read to him before he made his X. Whenever he needed to drive somewhere new, he was given directions based on landmarks, or someone would go with him the first time. He then found his own way to get back home, usually taking a more scenic route that was more complicated but involved less traffic. He wasn't stupid, he just couldn't read.

I don't know how much stress his inability to read may have caused him throughout his eighty-five year life, or how he may have felt about being illiterate. It was just the way he was, and growing up the way he did, maybe he never expected anything different. I didn't give it much thought when I was young, but in retrospect, I admire the way he lived his life in a world he didn't fully understand. He always did it without complaint and without blame or bitterness. And seemingly without fear.

I registered on Monday for the spring semester. I've already dropped one class and added another. It is still subject to change, but right now my schedule includes Spanish Composition, American Religious History, East Asian Civilization I, and People and Cultures of the Caribbean. I am so ready for this semester to be over so I can give my brain a brief rest before diving into the next semester. I just tell myself that I will be one step closer to the finish line!

2009-11-08T21:01:00.002-06:00

And so we are in the homestretch, and we are all tired. At least, I know I am. I finally have an outline for my Latin American Civ. paper and I'm hoping to get a good chunk of it written next weekend while my husband is out of town. I have a test in British Empire this week; an Ethics assignment due Thursday. The Spanish teacher chewed us all out Friday for not talking. Half the class skipped (probably because it was such a beautiful day)and the rest of us apparently didn't have much to say, at least not in Spanish. I was just glad that for a change I wasn't the only one not talking. Please let it be over soon.

On a positive note, I'm happy to have found others like me, non-trad students. They are all on-line, as I never see any on campus. ( I know they are there; I think they are all in accounting or in some other more practical major.) I take comfort in this virtual club when I'm in class with a group of twenty-year-old students who are complaining about being tired and not having enough time to get their homework done. Occasionally when I hear these complaints, one of them will realize who they are talking to and have the grace to look embarrassed. Most of them don't have a clue.

Tomorrow is my designated registration day. Decision time, although I'm feeling quite wishy-washy right now. New classes are frequently added to or removed from the schedule, so my options could change before registration ends. This could be good or it could be bad. There are so few history classes offered each semester already, it makes it hard to plan my schedule so that I am on track to graduate in spring 2011. What a day that will be!

2009-11-02T22:25:00.004-06:00

Well, I somehow survived the Spanish ~~Inquisition~~ interview last week and even more surprising is that I received a good grade. He asked a question that was not on my list, but I think I managed to answer it well enough. If it seems that I spend a lot of time ranting about this class, it is because this is the only class that makes me want to bang my head against the wall. A few people in class have been complaining about their grades, and I just don't understand why they are not getting A's, because they actually know how to speak. When he calls on me, I feel like all I can do is stutter, yet my grades are good. I don't get it.

Registration begins later this week, so I'm going to have to make a few decisions about the Spring semester. Will I be able to survive in the next Spanish class? Should I take four classes again, or cut back to three? If I only take three, will I have to make up the other class next summer or squeeze it in during another semester? Summer classes don't offer many options, and not counting the short summer semester, I have three semesters remaining before I plan to graduate. I have to find a way to fit everything in my schedule and still keep my head above water (and actually have time to learn something from my classes).

This weekend I bought the latest book by Diana Gabaldon. Unfortunately, I absolutely can not touch the book until school is over in mid-December. It is several hundred pages long and if I start it I will have to finish it, to the detriment of my history paper that will be due all too soon. Delayed gratification is no fun.

I don't remember what it was like to have a life. What will life be like when I finish school? Will I need to find a new goal, or a new purpose for my life?

2009-10-27T20:08:00.002-05:00

An easy enough night. I only have to continue practicing my answers for my phone interview in Spanish tomorrow and then read almost 500 pages of Bernal Diaz del Castillo's account of the Conquest of New Spain. No big deal.

I gave up five extra credit points tonight for Latin American Civ. because I did not want to participate in the Atlatl throwing demonstration in the rain. It was probably cancelled again, anyway. October is typically mild and sunny, but this year the entire month has been nothing but cold and rain. Bleak.

My Spanish teacher promised us that he does not wake up mornings thinking of new ways to torture us. I don't believe him. I'm still not sure why we spent almost four class sessions watching a movie that most of us could not understand. Maybe he wants us to get used to hearing the language, which is a good idea. I'm in a Spanish conversation class, which means I forced to speak occasionally; unfortunately in my previous classes I was never required to speak Spanish and rarely heard the language spoken. Hence my complete terror when I have to go to class three days a week and attempt to say something less than idiotic in Spanish. I've joined a site called Livemocha, which is a lot of fun and I think will be helpful, at least it will be just as soon as the semester is over and I have time practice.

I absolutely have to have an outline for my Columbian Exchange paper by this Sunday evening. That will leave me six weeks to write a rough draft, turn it in to the prof. to receive a preliminary grade along with some (hopefully) helpful pointers for improvement, get it back, touch it up, and finally turn it in the last day of class. Six weeks. It's almost Halloween and I'm really feeling frightened!

2009-10-18T13:47:00.002-05:00

It's fall break so I have spent the last few days doing nothing but homework. A magazine article about John Stuart Mill to produce for my Ethics class; a test to take online for Latin American Civ., as well as a paper to write for the same class. I was having terrible writers block last night when my husband told me to stop thinking and start typing. Good advice, because it worked. I had five hundred words typed about Mayan culture before I knew it. Now on to the Aztecs and Incas.

I've felt quite overwhelmed with school lately. The semester is now half over things need to get done. I still have no outline for my big paper (10-20 pages)about the Colombian Exchange. I got an A on my Ethics mid-term and a B (very disappointing) on the history test I took Friday. I still don't have a grade on the British history test from two weeks ago. That's OK, because at this point I feel like no news is good news.

I don't even want to talk about Spanish class. We've been watching a Spanish movie (with no subtitles) and I don't understand a word of it. I don't know where he is going with this, but it can only be a bad place for me.

2009-10-04T14:10:00.002-05:00

Six weeks into the semester and school has become a little overwhelming right now. Everything seems to happen at once. A quiz in Latin American Civ., a test in Ethics, a Spanish article to explain in class (in Spanish, of course), and now my first big exam over the British Empire. This is a seated class, but the test is entirely on blackboard. I guess even seated classes don't want to have tests in class anymore. Is it considered old-fashioned to take test in class?

I hate to say this because I'm afraid it makes me sound old, but things sure have changed since I first went to college 20 years ago. No one had home computers back then; papers were typed on a typewriter at home(mine wasn't even electric!) and turned in, or written during class in a bluebook. Do bluebooks still exist anymore?

Teachers can now send e-mail notification to their entire class at once, about class cancellations or upcoming assignments. Back in the day, you had to actually show up at class before you found out by the note on the door that it had been cancelled. I can find a class syllabus or exam review online and don't necessarily have to have a printed copy anymore. No need to waste class time watching an instructional video when you can find the link on Blackboard and watch it at home whenever you have time. It's also nice to be able to e-mail the teacher to let them know why you have to miss class and to find out about any missed assignments.

Even tests can be taken at the students convenience. We have a three day window in which to take the British Empire test. I just wish we had longer than an hour and 15 minutes. That just doesn't sound like enough time for me to write an essay.

Even finding research material for a paper has changed. No more going to the library and looking through a card catalog; it's not necessary to actually go to the library at all to find a book. Just go online to the school library website, find the books you need, and have them reserved. You will be notified via e-mail when they are ready to pick up. No, they still don't deliver, that is one thing that hasn't changed.

Ranting in Spanish

2009-09-29T21:24:00.005-05:00

Necesito practicar hablar y escribir in espanol. Por ese, yo estoy tratando a escribir un breve blog in espanol. Yo espero que esto me ayude a habler en espanol.

I hope this makes at least a little bit of sense. I don't know how to add correct Spanish punctuation.

I never know what we are going to do in Spanish class until I get there, so there is no way to prepare. I like to know what I am facing so I can be prepared. That isn't possible with this class, and this greatly increases my stress level.

Necesito practicar el vocabulario porque iremos tener una prueba.

Mi bisabuela era aleman.
El maestro de espanol siempre escribe muchas palabras en la pizarra.
Siempre tengo hambre despues de mis clases.
Necesito una perfil para mis blogs.
Yo vi muchos los logartos cuando visite Louisiana.
Es el calentamiento global un problema real o no?
Es el reciclaje una solucion para el efecto invernadero?

Bastante por ahora.

Rant #5

2009-09-27T14:28:00.006-05:00

I was in the depths of despair (remember Anne Shirley?) Friday as I drove to school. I was mentally calculating exactly how many more times I would have to go to Spanish class over the remainder of the semester, eleven more weeks. Twenty-nine more times x fifty minutes per class equals a whole lot of misery. But it's too late to turn back now.

When I got to class, I told CP that I if the teacher yelled "Venga,Venga" or "Rapido" one more time, I just might have to kick him in the shin. She pointed out the he had been really "pissy" lately. I thought that was an understatement. I usually don't know what is going on in class anyway, and an angry, impatient teacher does not help. Whatever I do know how to say in Spanish gets buried under the terror I feel when required to speak in this class. As a result, something stupid usually comes out of my mouth, and I know it as soon as I've said it, but it is too late to take it back.

Fortunately, we had a new teacher in class Friday. He looked just the same as the original teacher, but he was much nicer. He smiled, he was friendly, and he didn't yell, not even when he said "Rapido". And most shocking of all, he spoke English! Not much English, but a few sentences. It was more English than I have heard in class since he read the syllabus to us the first week of school. If this nice teacher stays, I just might survive the semester with my sanity intact, and he won't have to fear for the safety of his shins.

It's no big surprise that I'm the oldest student in class. And I'm older than the teacher. All the students are about twenty, and for the most part, have taken Spanish all through high school, which wasn't very long ago for them. I can't even begin to speak as well as they do, and I feel very intimidated by this fact. Added to this is an intimidating teacher (and I'm not alone in this feeling)and my overall feeling is that I'm swimming in the ocean with no life jacket.

I respect his decision to forbid English being spoken in class, and he is entitled to hand out avisos (warnings) to anyone who does. And it is not entirely his fault that I feel so terrorized in class (partly his fault, but not entirely). It's not his fault that I apparently don't perform well under pressure. When we have the nice teacher, he calls on me to speak, I guess to try to draw me out of my wall-flower mode. This is when I become paralyzed with fear and say stupid things. If only there was a rewind button. I don't know if my age is an issue, or if it is my overall lack of experience with speaking the language, but it takes me a little time to get my thoughts together in Spanish to be able to answer a question. I have to think about it longer than the other students; I can't just spit out sentences like they do.

It isn't all bad news. I'm actually getting good grades on the quizzes and on the skit we had to write and perform in class. That was terrifying as well, but at least I knew in advance what I was supposed to say. We had very little time to prepare, but we pulled it off anyway!

Only eleven more weeks.

Rant #4

2009-09-20T15:51:00.005-05:00

No, I am not going to teach. Thank you for asking.

This is the one question I always receive when people ask about my major. I know better than to say "never" about anything, but teaching is not in my plans. Most people seem to think there is nothing to do with a history degree besides teach, but there are many other options for history majors. Many go into politics or become attorneys. Also not in my plans. Many work for museums, libraries, or the National Park Service. These options are more interesting to me.

The truth is, I don't know what I'm going to do when I graduate. That isn't my focus right now. I'm not going to school because of what I might be able to do with my degree when I graduate. I'm going to school because I want to complete the education that I didn't finish when I was young. It's about the education itself, it's about the completion of something important to me. It's about learning and learning how to learn. It's about learning to think. That's all it's about. At least, for now. I don't have time to think about what comes after.

Rant #3

2009-09-07T20:45:00.002-05:00

And so I have survived two weeks of school.

The history classes are interesting, although I find it hard to stay awake in the three hour evening class. The Spanish class is a terror. Being quite determined that we learn to speak Spanish, our teacher absolutely insists we speak nothing except Spanish in class, and I only understand about half of what he says. That is why I found myself wandering around the room one afternoon, not knowing where I was supposed to be. I knew he had split us up into groups, I just didn't know what group I was in or which side of the room I was supposed to be on. As it turns out, I didn't need to move from my seat at all; I was already where I needed to be. So I had wandered around the room like an idiot for nothing.

My Spanish teacher thinks I brought a sex book to class. It wasn't a sex book. Really. It wasn't. It's called "A Thousand Ways to Please a Husband", written in 1917, and it is a cookbook. Most editions go on to say on the book cover "...With Bettina's Best Recipes". My edition does not.

Our assignment was to bring to class tres cosas (three things) that were important to us. I agonized over my choices, finally selecting a picture of my grandson, my great-grandmother's birthday book, and the first book in my collection of old cookbooks. (Many students chose their phones and iPods; talk about a generation gap!). We then broke up into groups of four and were instructed to tell each other about our tres cosas and ask each other question about them (all in Spanish, of course). Chins hit the floor when I held up my old cookbook, and the entire group started laughing. As I was holding it up, my teacher was looking at it intently (from several feet away), and I guess was reading the cover. He then quickly turned away and headed rapidly in the other direction. Apparently he did not want to know about my book or why it was so important to me.

I wasn't worried about what he thought because I knew we would all soon have a turn in the front of the class telling everyone about our tres cosas. Of course, I was too chicken to rush up front to take my turn before I absolutely had to and then, guess what? My turn never came. We ran out of time and at our next meeting we moved on to the group thing where I wandered around the room like an idiot. So now he thinks I'm an idiot who brought a sex book to class.

I can always count on Spanish class for adventure and outright terror. And whenever I feel the need to make a fool of myself, I know exactly where to go.

Rant #2

2009-08-24T21:05:00.005-05:00

Today, for the first time since I began my adventure as a non-trad, I felt like a real student. I've always been an evening or online student and have missed out on a large portion of the traditional college experience. Today was my first day of daytime classes, and somehow it made me feel like a real college student, at long last. It was an exciting and satisfying experience.

It was also quite terrifying. Spanish class was as bad as I expected; the instructor spoke nothing but Spanish. In fact, he kept reiterating, in Spanish of course, that in this class there would be no text book required, as we would be spending our time actually speaking Spanish. Yikes!!!!

Fortunately, my companero from Spanish 202 is in the class with me. CP is a sweet young 20 year old girl who spent a year living in Mexico, so she has a handle on this Spanish thing. I guess I'm going to have to find my own handle; after all, it is my minor.

Latin American Civ. is the class I've been most excited about, and I think it will be a fun class. The teacher will not be boring, as was evident this afternoon during the introduction. I've never heard a college professor use the "F" word in class! Oh boy, it's going to be an interesting semester.

After surviving my first two day classes, I went on to the gym and spent 1/2 hour on the treadmill, then went to Taco Bell with H. Then back to school for a three hour marathon about the British Empire. Actually, we got out early tonight, which was fortunate because the professor was very dry and by this time I was very tired.

One of the differences between traditional and non-traditional students became apparent to me today as I was making my way across campus amidst all the students - I was carrying a purse and I don't think I saw any young college girls carrying purses. Just one more thing that sets me apart. I have never noticed this before, since I'm used to evening classes when the campus is fairly quiet with not many students around.

I found out today how busy the campus really is during the day when most students are in class. I hadn't factored in all the people when I was calculating how long it would take me to get from Siceluff to Strong Hall. In fact, I barely made it on time. It takes every bit of the ten minutes that I have between classes to get there, as it is a long hike between buildings.

All in all, it was a big adventure and despite my many fears, I can't wait to go back again on Wednesday.

Rant #1

2009-08-20T19:29:00.000-05:00

It is official; I have lost my mind. What makes me think I can work full-time and take 12 hours of school is beyond me. Today is day one for my OTC class, Introduction to Ethics. It is a requirement for my history degree at MSU, but costs about half the price at OTC, so I rashly decided to take it online this semester whilst taking 9 hours at MSU. I would have taken Intro to Philosophy, but the guy who teaches the Ethics class is a teacher I have had before, so I decided to go with the devil I knew. I think it will be an interesting class, and he gives unusual assignments.

I've already completed our first assignment, but I wasn't the first one. There is always at least one person in an online class who seems to sit on top of the computer waiting for an assignment to be posted so they can hop right on it. As I am at work all day, I am not that person. But let's not talk about work; this blog isn't big enough for that rant.

My classes at MSU are: Latin American Civilization, British Empire, and Spanish Proficiency Skills. I'm quite nervous about the Spanish class. My previous Spanish instructor was an easy "A" and we weren't usually required to learn much vocabulary. Those of us with a Spanish minor where very aware that we could be in difficult straits when we had to move on to another teacher. That time is now. If he speaks only Spanish in class, I am doomed.

I'm very excited about my history classes although also quite nervous. These will be the first upper level classes I have ever taken and I don't know for sure what the work load will be like. Also, I've always been an evening and/or online student and have never before taken a day class. It's a safe bet that all my classmates will be under 21. Even my teachers are frequently younger than I am. I should be used to it by now, but it would be so nice to have a class with someone my age. I know they are there somewhere, I've just never seen any of them.

I guess that is enough ranting for one day. I need to get started on my next Ethics assignment. Somehow I have to stay ahead of the game and not let myself drown. Wish me luck!