Theme for 2011: Freedom

Freedom from addictions:

• Farmville - I have enjoyed playing the game and have made some new online friends, but it is time to give it up. It takes up far too much time that could be better spent in more fruitful endeavors. I shut it down yesterday and today I am feeling only slight FV withdrawals. So far it has not been as difficult to stop playing as I thought it would be.

• Overeating - I'm an emotional eater so I can always find an excuse to eat. I'm also taking medication that makes me want to eat constantly, so I have a double whammy here. I'd like to find a way to redirect the impulse to be eating continuously and to change the types of foods that I eat. I will have to find a way to prepare healthier recipes when I have very little time to cook.

• Salt - I've been a saltaholic my entire life. My doctor warned me of the dangers of high blood pressure, to which I responded that my reading is always low and I have been over-using salt for years. He glibly responded that I would not be young forever. Right. So I'm going to attempt to be free of my need for everything to taste of salt. I wonder what food will taste like?

Freedom from negative thought patterns:

• Negativity - This will be the most difficult. I feel that my workplace is somewhat toxic and most certainly dysfunctional. Negativity prevails on a daily basis. Some of the negativity is mine and I despair of changing anything, but I have to try.

• Positive choices - This one ties in with the need to conquer negativity, only on a more personal level. I need to free myself to make choices that are in my best interest and try to leave the guilt behind. I seem to be a carrier of guilt and I'm not sure why. I want to believe in myself and my decisions even if no one else does.

• Freedom from fear - Well, not really. Fear is not always a bad thing and I don't expect to ever be free of it. However, there comes a point when fear ceases to protect us and instead simply becomes paralyzing. Self-doubt frequently prevails. I don't want this to be the norm for my life.

I've realized that the only way to change my life is to change myself. Wish me luck!

Merry Christmas

This is the happy dance I've been doing since I found out I received an A- in Historiography. I wasn't surprised by the A's in kiddie lit or Ozarks history, but this one threw me for a loop. I was hoping for a B and when I saw the A- I just kept staring at it, wondering if I was seeing things. Though I have received a reprieve this semester, I probably should go ahead and get the book Nicki suggested, "Dare to Get a B". I figure it is bound to happen sometime so I might as well be prepared.

Overall, I am satisfied with the results of this semester. I found something worthwhile in all three classes, and though I'm still struggling with a new style of writing (new to me, anyway), I have hope that I can learn and improve my skills. My historiography professor said that failure is part of writing, and with each attempt we should try to "fail better" next time. His encouragement seems somewhat backwards, but it is helpful nonetheless. Learning something new can be difficult so I shouldn't expect to do it perfectly on my first try. Writing is hard work and involves a lot of editing and rewriting, even for professionals. I'm excited to keep learning more about the craft.

The most enjoyable aspect of the semester was the opportunity to take part in the meetings and activities of the PAT (Phi Alpha Theta, the history honor society). It was the first semester in which my schedule allowed me to attend the meetings and it was nice to finally meet some of the members and become better acquainted with those that I met at the Dead Day party last May. We had the opportunity to volunteer at a national park a couple of weeks ago and will hopefully be doing even more volunteer work next semester. Participating in this group has given me the feeling that I am at last part of college experience, something that has long eluded me.

It's hard to feel connected when my time at school is all about rushing from work to class, then back to work again. This semester I stopped going back to work after every class and thus my stress level has gone down and my overall disposition has improved. Next semester I will be working a few less hours which ultimately means I will be working myself out of a job since the time I am gone to school uses up my vacation time. Presumably, I will be booted out the door when I run out of vacation time. How I long for that day to arrive.

Knowable or Constructed

I'm currently suffering miserably while attempting to write an analytical paper. I used to think I knew how to write; now I know better. I have recently discovered that I only know how to write narrative papers, not analytical papers. Actually, I had no idea there were different kinds of papers or writing, and I am now paying the price for this woeful ignorance. I received a 79 on my primary source paper, with an extra 5 points added to everyone's grade because the professor knows he is an evil grader. So I came out of that fiasco with an 84, which I guess I should be grateful for, but as I always get A's on my papers I'm not feeling terribly thankful about it at all. It took me a couple of days to suck it up and look at all the notes he had written on the paper. I could not dispute any of his comments, but is was quite difficult to look at. Since receiving this grade I have been terrified to begin the analytical paper that is due on Tuesday. I have no confidence that I know how to write this paper. I have to write as if I am testifying before a court about whether or not history is knowable or constructed. No citations, no quotes, and no outside research. Well. Just my own reasoning based on the material covered this semester. It has to be done so I will do it, but I'm sure not looking forward to my grade in this class.


So, with two more weeks of school I have two papers to write and three tests to take, then I am home free! Looking forward to relaxing and enjoying Christmas.

Marx and Parks

Not so that you would notice, but all I do these days is write. I write about book censorship and I write book reviews (which I sincerely hate) and I write about Rosa Parks and the bus boycott. I shouldn't complain; at least I understand these topics. My next writing project doesn't even have a topic, we are allowed no direct quotes in our paper and we can use no research from other sources besides our existing historiography book and boycott source documents. We are to write a 7-8 page paper about whether or not history is "knowable". I can answer that with a big fat "NO", but somehow I'm stretch it out a little longer. it could be worse; the paper was originally supposed to be 12 pages, but he has apparently tired of our whining about the length so he kindly shortened the assignment. Thank you, professor!

Also, after exploding our brains with postmodernism and deconstructionism, we have not moved on to Marxism. He assured us that we could not possibly understand current historical writing without an understanding of Marxist theory. He is also never happier than when he has completely fried our brains; he says that's when he knows he has done his job. Actually, I thought Marxist theory was quite interesting, and if I ever have a chance to read something instead of writing, I would like to investigate his theories a little further.

We have spent the last three weeks doing what he calls "writer's workshop". We had to submit an outline for our Parks paper, as well as one paragraph, to peers for critique. The next step was to submit a rough draft (which, of course, is not rough at all but completely polished and ready for review, as real historians never submit anything less than their best for peer review) for our peers to review. I didn't enjoy this process as I don't feel qualified to judge someone elses paper, but I have new sympathy for the professors who have to read our papers and who hopefully restrain themselves from telling us how horribly we write.

Meanwhile, as I'm writing a history paper with no real topic, I will be writing an analytical paper for kiddie lit about, well, I don't know what about. I should be thinking about that, but I really can't because I have several pages of the Ozarks journal to write, plus tweak the Parks paper before I submit it for grading, etc....

Only five more weeks.

Postmodernism and Desconstruction

These are two words that I don't ever want to hear again. I plan to forget I ever heard them at all. Even my professor said he tried to study these concepts but eventually gave up because his mental health insurance wasn't that great. Also, my infatuation with historiography is over. This is unfortunate because I have finally learned to spell it.

Tonight the professor told us that writing is about failing. I was glad to hear this because I am no longer able to write; my brain has become useless for the purpose of writing about history. I think part of my problem is that I am used to writing narrative and now I have to write analysis. I'm having trouble with this concept and I think it is mostly because I'm scared silly. Ever since we discussed these bizarre ideas (to me, anyway) in the title, I have been absolutely out of my mind. I can't think straight at all anymore when it comes to writing the primary source paper that is due very soon. I'm afraid to write a single word because I'm sure I will be doing it all wrong.

On a more positive note, I made A's on my historiography test and my book review, as well as on my kiddie lit mid-term and my Ozarks history mid-term. So, all is not lost. At least not yet.

Primary Sources

Last week I had my first test in historiography and my first book review was due. Thank heavens the history test was not essay, but objective only. History students hardly ever get that kind of break. Anyway, I think it did well; at least, I know I aced the extra credit section. I'm not sure about the book review.

In historiography (I have finally learned to spell it!) we are deep in the study of primary sources. According to the website Historical Thinking Matters, the methodology for studying historical documents is as follows:
1. Sourcing - Consider the documents author and its creation. To me this means who, what, when, where, why, and how.
2. Contextualizing - Situate the document in the appropriate time and place. What is going on here?
3. Close reading - Read carefully and consider what the document is saying and what it is trying to say. What does the source say and what language is used to say it?
Corroborating - Compare and contrast the document with other primary sources. Check important dates and details to determine the reliability of the document.

I am enjoying this immensely. I feel like a detective searching for clues and I love it. I only wish I were looking for clues about Latin American history, which is my true love.

In Children's Literature last week we read Skellig by David Almond. Loved this book! Part fantasy, part reality, we discussed how authors help the reader suspend disbelief and believe in the fantastical. I believed everything!

In regards to my previous post, I added a link to the author's website, which includes information about the controversy over her book, as well as information about banned book week (which was actually last week).

This is the first semester I have had time to attend the meetings of the history honor society and it has been a nice addition to the overall school experience. Most of the time I don't feel like a real student because I'm always rushing back and forth to or from work, so it is good to have the chance to meet with other history majors and get to know knew people. I'm really excited about some of the upcoming activities with the group, which includes possible work days at a couple of national parks in the area. Finally, I feel like I am getting to the meat of my degree and I have hope for some future possibilities that involve history in some way. It has been a long time coming. I hope change is in the air.