Monday, February 22, 2010

Is guilt an inevitable by-product of the non-trad experience? I feel guilty about leaving work to go to class, guilty for not having time to spend with my husband, guilty for the money I'm spending on school that could be going toward our retirement. Endless guilt.

In reality, my being gone from work a few hours each week has had little impact on anyone (and besides, I have spent many years covering for people who had sick parents, sick kids, and even sick dogs) and my husband doesn't do anything but sleep on the recliner every evening anyway. As for the retirement accounts, well, I'm younger than my husband so I still have many more years to work and save for retirement.

Still, there is guilt. I feel like I'm constantly saying I can't do something or don't have the time because I have homework or a paper to write. Always in a hurry. Which is partly why I've been killing myself to take more classes each semester. If I can hurry and finish school I can stop inconveniencing everyone. People are constantly asking me when I will be finished with school. I am still working full-time, people! This means that my education will take longer to complete than it would if I were a typical college student able to focus primarily on school.

What I need, and am haltingly searching for, is a part-time job. Of course, I realize this will be an additional inconvenience. Tough.

I'm feeling a little cranky today.

Spanish is consuming my life right now. I thought I could write in Spanish fairly well, but my professor believes otherwise since he gave me a "C" on my composition. I'm meeting him tomorrow morning to discuss the re-write. I love my Spanish teacher this semester. He has been very generous in allowing me to meet him on my schedule instead of during his regular office hours (which are not compatible with my work schedule). He also doesn't seem the least bit concerned that he has a middle-aged student in his class, which is an incredible relief after my experience last semester.

History is going well. I received an "A" on the book review that I was so worried about. Go figure. Now I'm actually looking forward to writing the next one. Spring break is in two weeks, and it will be spent working on my history paper about Aimee Semple McPherson. I only have to write five or six pages so I'm not too stressed about it.

I can't believe the semester is almost half over and the fall schedule has already been posted. I'm not sure if it is the final version, but it does give me some idea what to expect for the fall semester: Intro to Historiography and The Ozarks in American History. The choices for Spanish classes are not good, so I don't know what I'm going to do about that. Maybe more will be added by registration.

It would be nice if schools would shut down during the Olympics. I find it difficult to study and keep an eye on the games at the same time.


Caz said...

I agree about the guilt thing. I'm starting to feel guilty about wanting to go back to uni and away from the house and all that entails! We shouldn't geel guilty about putting our needs first. Good luck finding a part-time job.

Caz said...

By the way...congrats on the A!!

Studentmum said...

Guilt (although that gets less over time) and what seems to be constant justification, both to self and others. Justifying my choice to study to others gets annoying in the end.

Well done on the A!

Brandywine said...

Ah yes, the endless need to justify. It is more annoying than the guilt.

corey said...

Wonderfully worded. Guilt is a constant companion. Although my husband is the one who encouraged me to go back for my degree and start this insane pursuit, I still feel guilty when our schedules clash and he has to take up the slack. On the bright side, he's pretty good at laundry and the kids love his spaghetti...

Brandywine said...

It's great having a man who can cook!